Here Is the script, I have also emailed this out to everyone, but let me know what you think, although I really don’t think we should change much of anything, just make minor changes, i’ll print off a copy for everyone and we will talk about it tomorrow:
I haven’t included the Adam and Eve part in this version because we know it incredibly well and I don’t have all the parts for that written down. Here it is from Caveman:
(Jug and Ug are off stage carrying the mammoth, they slowly walk on and yell out to mug to help them. While this is happening the cavewomen is cleaning in the background)
Mug: (grunts like an ape)
Ug: Stupid Mug, help with mammoth!
Mug: (Attempts to help Ug, but fails.)
Jug: Dee make mammoth!
Dee: Dee always make mammoth
Jug: Dee always women!
Mug: (Angry, smashes two rocks together, creates sparks and fire, acts scared)
Jug: what that? (Asks Ug with a puzzled expression)
Ug: (points spear at fire) Stay back!
Jug: nice, warm, we eat.
Ug: Dee, bring meat!
(Dee in background cleaning then brings out cut mammoth)
Dee: Here, food, Dee clean.
Mug: (doesn’t like food, makes noises to say he doesn’t like it)
Ug: quiet Mug, eat mammoth (Ug slaps Mug)
Mug: (food falls into the fire, yells because food has fallen into the fire)
Jug: Stupid Mug!
Ug: (carefully grabs meat) this taste better.
Jug: (tastes it) this good idea of ours (pats Ug on the back)
(Denis and Cybil are working in the fields. While the lord and guard are standing on the opposite side of the stage. As soon as Cybil see’s the apple the lord and guard walk over)
Cybil: (looks over to a tree and sees a red fruit) Ooo, Look over ‘ere Denis! Looks different.
Denis: Yeah, it does Cybil.
(Lord enters with guard)
Lord: That looks exciting!
Guard: (takes apple)
Lord: Also your taxes will be raised to 70%.
Guard: sir, in London its 80%
Lord: Well then, we can’t have those Londoners get the better of us, 80%
Denis: But your lordship (grabs the lord’s clothes)
Lord: let go of me or I shall have my guard take you away.
Cybil: (Picks Denis up) It’s not worth it Den
Lord: 90% and I’m taking this with me (holds apple in front of Denis and Civil.)
Lord: 95% and I shall name it Apple after my oldest brother (holds the apple to the sky)
Cybil and Denis: it won’t last
Ezio: Bonjourno, welcome to my home, come sit, sit.
Luigi: I bought some of Nona’s soup, it’s bolisimo.
Ezio: I know, she’s my Nona too, we are cousins
Mario: we are all cousins!
Luigi: Eyy Lets eat!
Ezio: This is Bolisimo
Mario: what’s the time?
Ezio: its 12:95 Hey, didn’t cousin Marco say he would be coming at this time?
Luigi: it’s been about 20 years.
Ezio: Where is that Marco?
Marco: (off stage) Polo.
Ezio: (looks around puzzled) Marco!?
Marco: (gets louder) Polo!
Marco: (on stage) POLO!
Ezio and Luigi: MARCO!
Marco: EZIO LUIGI! (Then looks at Mario) eh? Who is this?
Mario: It’s me Mario!
Everyone: AYYYYYYY (hugs)
Luigi: come eat! It’s our Nona’s recipe
Marco: (Marco tastes it) this has no flavour
Luigi: What’sa matter you eh? Gotta no respect?
Marco: Hey shuttapa ya face! Hear me out
(pulls out pasta dish)
Marco: something I picked up in China
Everyone: (looks confused)
Marco: pasta! Try it!
(all have taste)
Marco: (Marco pulls out Bolognese) Try with Bolognese
Ezio: With parmesan?
Everyone: ehhh no.
Ezio: (throws cheese over his shoulder)
Alll: Eyyyyy! EYyyyYy! Eyy!
Back to the restaurant:
Professor: So you see Bob, if we hadn’t of tried new foods, we wouldn’t have continued forward.
Janine: Exactly! This is what I’ve been telling him all along Professor, haven’t I Bob?
Bob: Yeah… suppose so…
Professor: I can imagine…
Janine: so Bob, how about we try that new Tapes restaurant that opened last week?
Bob: Aww, can’t we just go to McDonalds? Please? For a normal meal?
Janine: By normal you mean nuggets and chips? (Sounds very displeased)
Professor: I read a socio-economic paper about a theory of what McDonalds could be like in the future. (Stares off into the distance)
Janine: What are you looking at?
(bell sound rings)
McGuard: Okay, time for lunch!
(Three obese workers get given trays and sit down as a table, they unwrap their burgers and are very disgusted with the food)
Worker one: (looks at fellow worker) what have you got?
Worker two: Fillet of fish, ugh, what have you got?
Worker one: McChicken.
Worker three: lucky, I have a big mac
Worker two: you poor soul, I swear these meals have gotten crapper since Ronald installed the food restrictions of the 100 recipes… (gets elbowed as the McGuard is walking closer)
Worker three: what drinks? I have a sprit
Worker two: Fanta.
Worker one: coke, so sugary.
Worker three: (nearly passes out)
Worker one: (grabs worker three and pretends to move his arms like he is eating)
McGuard: (walks past)
Worker one: he’s fine. All good (smiles)
(the McGuard leaves)
Worker one: (looks at worker two) where’s the salt?
Worker two: (hands worker one the salt)
Worker one: (holds it under worker three’s nose)
Worker three: (wakes up with a startle and is disgusted)
McGuard: lunch is over, back to work!
(three obese workers struggle to get up and then go back to their screens, work for a little the McGuard comes over)
McGuard: okay, see you tomorrow workers.
Tom: pst, you there?
Dealer: (sneaks up) hey, I’m here
Tom: what have you got for me today?
Dealer: (looks around) I have this, it’s called an apple
Tom: An Apple!
Tom: an apple, but how did you get it.
Dealer: I have my ways
Tom: how much?
Dealer: five credits
Tom: I only have three
Dealer: (thinks for a little) okay, that’ll do, but hurry.
(they exchange the apple and the credits, McGuards walk onto the scene)
McGuard one (Quintin): Hey! What’s going on?!
(dealer runs and McGuard catches him, McGuard two (Molly) goes after Tom but he get’s away, then both McGuards escort dealer off stage).
(Finnegan, Kev and Steve are waiting behind a secret entrance, talking and looking at plans, Bud then waddles over and knocks on the door)
Finnegan: Who’s there?
Bud: It’s me, Bud?
Finnegan: What’s the password?
Bud: For god’s sake, Finnegan. Just let me in
Insert name: Not until you say the password
Bud: (sighs) the English did wrong by the Irish, now let me in!
Finnegan: (opens the door) now was that so hard?
Bud: Give me hand, will you?
(Finnegan squeezes Bud through door)
Bud: Now get me out of this bloody fat suit
(Finnegan, kev and steve help Bud out of his fat suit)
Finnegan: This is Kev, he’s a kiwi
Kev: Hey bru.
Bud: So why did you join the revolutionary force
Kev: I waws herdin ma sheep, but Ronald confiscated thim, so now they’re all did
Finnegan: So what have you got for us?
Bud: It’s called (pulls apple out) an apple (holds it up, all look upon it with holiness)
Finnegan: It’s just what we need for our secret dish. Come, let’s add it to our collection
(All go down stairs)
(Finnegan pulls off sheet revealing all foods. Kev and Bud and Steve look in awe)
(while Finnegan is explaining what they have, Steve sneaks off and transforms into Ronald)
Finnegan: Okay, so we’ve got bananas, Strawberries, Broccoli, Carrot, Kiwi fruit, thanks for that Kev, Passion fruit, herbs and spices among many other things
Bud: This is great. When people try this they will realise how much better it is than McDonalds. We will take Ronald down, and he will be forgotten
Ronald: sounds good
(Finnegan and bud look behind them at Ronald, then look at the audience, then back at Ronald)
Ronald: I’m lovin’ it
(Finnegan and bud look at each other)
Bud: Are you thinking what I’m thinking
Finnegan: I think I am
Ronald: (Call on the phone) Hamburglar, I found more food that is on the banned list, deal with this…..
BACK TO THE RESTURANT:
Bob: well that escalated quickly
Janine: is that really what you read professor?
Professor: yes it was, so Bob, don’t you see that you need to try something else other than McDonalds and fast food?
Bob: I don’t see what’s wrong with it.
Professor: hmmmm….. why don’t you both come with me, I might be able to teach you a thing or two….
Janine: where are we going professor?
Professor: through that door, Alones-y
(opens door and they go to America)
Bob: What sort of restaurant is this?
Professor: Actually Bob, we’ve left the restaurant, this is Manhattan with a population of 1.626 million
Bob: What are we doing here?
Professor: We need to take a cab to the portal to Italy
Janine: Bob, you should try all the American food while we’re her. Wouldn’t that be great professor?
Professor: I don’t know about that, Janine
Janine: Oh come on professor, he needs to try new foods, it’ll be good for him
Professor: yes but this might not be the best food to start with
Bob: If I had a choice, there wouldn’t be a start
Janine: That’s it. We’re trying the food. (Takes a cab. Driver introduces himself)
(In scene, professor, Bob and Janine go in cab. They make many stops and get different foods listed above at each stop)
Bob: Finally some real food. I hope every culture’s like that
Professor: Well, Bob you’re in for a surprise
Janine: Oh Bob, this is just the same as the food we eat at home. What a disappointment. Why didn’t you warn us, professor?
Professor: Uh, lets try Italian. Italy is over here
Waiter: welcome to Leonardo’s kitchen, please take a seat.
Bob: What are we doing here?
Janine: Italian food is so rich. You should try some, Bob
(Bob looks at the menu)
Bob: Yeah, I’ll have the pizza
Janine: Oh, come on Bob. Try something better than pizza
Waiter: So what will we be?
Professor: Ah, I’ll have the Mostaccioli Mosta
Janine: Oh, I’ll have the Traditional Osso Buco
Bob: I’ll just have the same then, I guess
Bob: There’s a pizza shop just across the road, can’t we just go there?
Janine: NO, Bob. We’re eating here. Now try something here!
Luigi: Excuse me, but I couldn’t help overhear you about trying new foods
Professor: Excuse me, who are you?
Luigi: It’s ‘a’ me! Luigi! I remember back many centuries ago, Marco Polo introduced to me pasta, which though I hated to admit it, was much better than my Nona’s soup. Because we try something nice, we changed Italia for ever! Do you want to try some pasta!
Professor: Yes, thank you
Janine: Oh, Bob, you should try some. You’ve never tried pasta. Bob? (Realises Bob is missing) Where on earth is Bob? Oh, Professor, we’ve got to find Bob
Luigi: I’ll come with you and have him try pasta!
Back To the Revolutionaries:
(this is after the first revolutionary scene when they ran, they meet back up and realise that Steve was the one that did them in, they are looking around for each other in the dark)
Finnegan: (crouching low, sneaking, whispers) Bud, where are you?
Bud: (Whispering) Finnegan, is that you?
Kev: (pretty much yells out really loud) Hey Brus I’m over here!
Finnegan and Bud: SHHHHHHH
(All three huddle together)
Finnegan: (grabs Bud’s shoulders and shakes him) was it you that sold us out!?
Bud: No! What about him (points at Kev) the night you brought him was the night it all fell apart!
Kev: (throws his hands up in defence) it wasn’t me bru!
Bud: of course, what was I thinking? Does anyone know where Steve got to?
Finnegan: oh, it must’ve been Steve! He disappeared, must’ve tipped off Ronald!
Bud: of course! Finnegan, did you ever do a background check to see if Steve said who he was?
Finnegan: well, he did seem a little shifty, and he was very volunteering when it came to doing jobs….
Bud: and very calculating… and he was very interested in making sure the plans were perfect…
Bud: Damn! We’ve been had!
Kev: We still need to do something! What if, we hid in one of the empty office buildings that was directly across from McDonalds?
Bud: Allowing us to zip line down into the golden arched fortress
Finnegan: taking it down from the inside
Kev: yes, but how? We don’t have any rope.
Finnegan: don’t worry, I’ve got plenty
Bud: you and your rope.
(all three leave stage)
Luigi: Where are we professor?
Janine: Where’s Bob?
Professor: Well, Luigi, we are in what appears to be Egypt?
Janine: Oh we just have to find Bob
Egyptian Guy: HEY!! Welcome to my daughter’s wedding!
Luigi: Thata food smells nice!
Egyptian Guy: Come, Come! Try some Baba Ghanoush, Shawarma, Kofta, Roz meammar…. (gets cut off by Janine)
Janine: Oh, we haven’t got time for this! I’m going to find Bob! (walks off)
Professor: Janine! Come on Luigi we better follow her.
(The Professor and Luigi find Bob in Greece)
Bob: Hey professor, uh, where’s Janine and where are we?
Professor: Well Bob, Janine went looking for you and from the looks of it we are in Greece
Bob: Greece? Great! Can we get Souvlakis? 😀
Luigi: Hey Bob! We’re not here to have that type o’ food
Bob: Oh alright….
Professor: Well just down here is a restaurant that I frequented when I was last in Greece, for an archaeological dig
(They go to the restaurant)
(Look at menu)
(Waiter comes over)
Luigi: I’ll have some Moussaka
Bob: (Failing to find anything that he likes says) I’ll have the same please
Professor: Some Spanakopita please
Bob: So Professor the blah blahs did blah and the bleh blehs did bleh but what did the Greeks ever do for us?
Professor: Well there’s Homer
Bob: From the Simpsons?
Professor: The Poet. He wrote The Iliad and The Odyssey
Bob: Isn’t that a movie or something?
Luigi: Yes Bob, also they created Theatre
Professor: First records of western history
Luigi: Doric Architecture
Bob: But only nerds need to know that moose cacca
Professor: The Olympics and Marathons
Bob: Well the Olympics go without saying
Luigi: Public Jury and Democracy
Professor: Western Philosophy
Bob: Okay, okay apart from Poetry, Theatre, The Olympics, Democracy, Architecture, History, Philosophy and Mathematics, what have the Greeks ever done for us?
Not Mr Melaisis as a waiter bringing their food: Excuse me I couldn’t help but over hear your conversation about democracy. And I just think you could expand on it. Just-just flesh out what does democracy mean to you.
Bob: Uhhhh I don’t know?
Not Melaisis:….That’s a solid effort, that’s good, that’s really good, just elaborate on it.
Professor: Excuse me what’s that over there?
Not Melaisis: That? Oh That’s a traditional Greek dish: Kotopoulo me ryzi
Professor: Oh really? I’ve started looking into Greek History quite a fascinating topic.
Not Melaisis: Well if you’d like I could teach you a bit about Greek history, over some Kotopoulo?
Professor: That would be quite lovely thank (Gets up and starts walking with Not Melaisis) so what can you tell me about Greek history?
Not Melaisis: Well the better history student understands that……(Offstage)
(Janine walks on to the stage)
Janine: Oh BOB! There you are! I’ve been looking everywhere for you?
Bob: oh hey Janine
Janine: Where’s the professor?
Bob: He walked off with a waiter, they were talking about history or something
Janine: Oh, I’m sick of people disappearing! Come on! Back to the restaurant!
(Bob and Janine leave Luigi sitting there still in Greece)
Back at the original restaurant:
Janine and Bob walk back into the restaurant to find the professor sitting there
Janine: Professor there you are!
Professor: Uh, hello Janine, sorry, got into a great topic with a very interesting man.
Janine: I don’t care! Neither of you are nicking off again!
Bob: Oh great, maccas is across the road, let’s go there.
Professor: What is your obsession with McDonalds Bob?
Bob: (looks of into the distance very dramatic like)
Janine: what are you looking at?!
PARENT SCENE – BOB’S FLASHBACK:
(Molly and Tom come home from a long day at work, Quintin and Jacob are being annoying brats and asking what’s for dinner while Molly and Tom contemplate)
Molly: Darling, there’s nothing in the fridge! Again!
Tom: Well, you meant to do the shopping last time honey!
Quintin: (standing at Molly’s feat saying this while Tom and Molly are arguing) Mum, mum, mum, mummy, mummy, mummy, mama, mama, mama, mama, ma, ma, ma, ma, ma, mum, mum, mummy, mummy etc…. (Stops when Molly yells at him)
Bob: (doing the same thing as Quintin but saying dad) Dad, dad, dad, dad, daddy, daddy, da, da, da, da, da, dad, dad, dad, dad, father, father, father, dad, dad, dad etc… (stops when Tom yells at him)
Molly: well what are we going to have for dinner?
Tom: I don’t know but I’m getting a migraine.
Molly: well there must be something we can cook (looks in the fridge)
Tom: Well I’m starving!
Molly: QUINTIN! (Will come up with character name) WOULD YOU STOP!
Tom: (at the same time as Molly) BOB! WOULD YOU STOP!
Quintin: can we have Maccas?
Tom and Molly: FINE!
Flashback 2: Bob’s 12 birthday:
Molly and Tom: (both hug Bob) Happy Birthday Bob!
Bob: thanks mum, thanks dad.
Tom: so what would you like to do for your birthday?
Bob: hmmmm…. How about lunch at maccas?
Molly: sweetie are you sure you don’t want to do anything else? We could go to the water slide? Or the zoo?
Bob: no, I want to go to maccas.
Tom: Come on darling, if that’s what he wants
Molly: but it’s not good for him
Bob: it’s my birthday and I want Maccas!
Professor: interesting…. Well Bob, remember that paper I was telling you about?
Bob: yes……. That incredibly ridiculous one
Janine: Bob, let the professor tell his story.
Professor: I’m hoping you learn a thing or two…..
(Ronald in his office, looking at monitors on his desk, he is much panicked as his ‘empire’ is crumbling to the ground)
Ronald: (he throws his hands down on the monitor desk) what is going on down there?! Where are my McGuards?!
McGuard 1: (McGuard 1 enters the room out of breath) Sir! We’ve got a break in!
Ronald: (Phone rings, Ronald answers) what’s going on down there?!
McGuard on phone: Sir! It’s the revolutionaries! We don’t know how they’ve done it……. we don’t… have….. gahhhh…….. (Cuts off)
McGuard 2: (Another McGuard enters the room, out of breath as well) Sir, we need to get you out of here! They are coming for you!
(Ronald leaves with the McGuards, Bud, Finnegan and Kev ‘Break into’ the room)
Bud: We made it!
Finnegan: Aye! We’ve done it!
Bud: Yes, but that damn clown man must’ve escaped!
Kev: Never mind that Bru’s! (pulls out a bag of seeds) Now we are here we can finally plant the seeds!
Finnegan: He’s right Bud! Even if Ronald got away we can now plant the seeds and take down this evil place!
Bud: Exactly! We can now show the people a better way of living! Come on you two, let’s go plant this seed!
(All three leave the stage)
The End – Back in the restaurant:
Bob: I seriously doubt that would happen
Janine: oh Bob, haven’t you learnt anything? All the exotic places we went….
Professor: Here, try some of the Moussaka
Janine: or the Osso Buco
Luigi: or the Shawarma, it was multobene
Janine: Mostaccioli Mosta
All pestering Bob to try something new, pressuring him. All talking to someone him, Luigi speaks to Bob last
Luigi: Try Marco’s pasta. IT Bolissmo
Bob: STOP! (all stop) Okay, I’ll try the pasta
(Bob has a taste while the others wait in suspense for his response)
Bob: mmmm…. Uhhhh…. (takes a little more) hmmmm…. Eyyyyyyy!